Monday, January 16, 2006

July 17th, 2005 AD

I never imagined that getting a house whitewashed, and then cleaning it up would be such a soul stirring experience. My home has turned topsy-turvy, and the whole family is at sixes and sevens and on tenterhooks…I must stop using those clichéd idioms and words, or they will recommend another action item in the Development Action Plan for me at my workplace. If you clear your throat, they recommend a new action item in the Development Action Plan.

The house is filled with dust; the dust pervades everything; dust rules the universe. If a camel were to be in the house, you wouldn’t see it - it would be hidden under all that dust. I fear I may turn up at work looking like I myself have whitewashed the house. On the other hand, the workers think they own the house. They typically demand half a dozen rounds of tea per day, and would be glad if we fed them lunch too.

The most interesting aspect of the whitewashing was the revelation that my mum likes to hoard stuff. Once all the mysterious cardboard boxes were taken down from the loft, and we approached the caverns with torches, reading with every now and then the ancient hieroglyphic on the walls, we realized that we had a treasure trove on our hands. My mum dug out all the utensils my grandma had given her, and got sentimental. Women like to get sentimental on such occasions. But the contents of some of the boxes were stupefying. One had old ceiling-fan regulators and switches, “just in case we need them”. Many cardboard boxes contained such odds and ends; I had to use all my influencing skills to induce my mum to throw them away. However, she put her foot down when it came to throwing away a box full of Rath containers. Rath was the cooking medium widely used before they discovered something that was more fit for human consumption - like blubber, for instance.

”Why do you need these Rath containers? To set a Guinness World Record”, I said.

“We need them,” said my mother logically. “Some things are not given away. That Grundig tape recorder is still with us.”

This was the first time that I realized that the old Grundig tape recorder, which my parents had bought 35 years ago, was still with us. “But it does not work.” I said her.

“I know. The tape spools too are with us. But they all have sentimental value, see?” she said. One can’t argue with that.

“You had sentimental value for the old Phillips radio, since you bought it after I was born. That did not stop you from selling it, did it?” I said grumpily. I needn’t have worried.

Quite soon my Dad announced to me, “We have hit another archaeological find.” One of the items in the cardboard box looked vaguely familiar - a stout green medicine bottle.

“Isn’t this...?” I said.

“Yes,” said my mum, looking fondly at me.

It was a bottle of a tonic called Ferodol, which I had when I was three years old. Since nothing had been stored for years, I assume that also had sentimental value. I never imagined that a bottle of Ferodol tonic would become a family heirloom. Dear old Ferodol! I wonder if kids still eat it.

If I should get married, I hope my mum does not dig out the bottle and fondly announce to my wife, “You husband used to eat Ferodol from this bottle!” Who says you miss out on a lot if you are only child?!

I didn’t have the gall to ask my mum what had happened to the Farex tins…

June 28th, 2005 AD

I saw a programme on Animal Planet in which a man wandered through the forests of Madagascar and caught just about any small animal - snakes, rodents, lizards, bugs - and showed them to the audience in delight. It would have taken some temerity to do that because many of then could have bitten and killed him. But real courage, I guess, would have been in catching his boss by his neck and showing him to us.

One of his "presentations" was a lizard, which apparently does not have eyelids. But the little fella (the lizard) has a long tongue, which he uses to wipe and clean his eyes. Imaginative that I am, I started wondering what would have happened if evolution had taken a different turn and we humans had ended up without eyelids. We may have been using our tongues to wipe our eyes. If a person had eyelids, it may have been configured an abnormality and disfiguration: "He loved her despite her eyelids."

Or, who knows, it may have - like dimples - been considered to be something that adds to good looks: "His eyelids excited her as much as his bank balance did."

Leaflets on eye care would have contained this injunction: 'Do NOT wipe your eyes after eating spicy food."

When I told a friend of mine about this lizard, he said, "Well, looks like humans would have had to put their tongues to use in one more way, eh?" Then he winked and laughed.

Some people have only one thing on their minds.

June 24th, 2005 AD

One of my colleagues - the one who believes that her boss is a monkey - is having a truly disturbing "commute" to the office these days. Like me, she travels in a quaint vehicle called Sumo, which was apparently manufactured for humans without backbones. Humans with backbones, who travel in this vehicle, are guaranteed spinal problems.

My colleague is not disturbed about the bumpy ride, though. She is embarrassed by a newly-wed couple in the back seat who show their affections by being all "touchy-feely". Apparently, the home video continues in the Sumo. This is quite different from the Sumo in which I travel, where men and women both carry pepper spray, and maintain a foot of distance from each other even if that meant sticking one's head out of the window.

Well, no matter how strongly my well-meaning colleague feels about the couple misusing company transport, I would advise her not to be disturbed. In a few months, I bet they probably won't be talking much to each other in the morning. The little conversation they have will consist of, "Buy those potatoes and turnips on your way home - and don't forget." and "How many times have I told you to replace the toothpaste lid?"

The "touches and feels" will be history.

She: Do you remember those Sumo rides to the office through Gurgaon all those years ago?
He: Huh? Yes.
She: Do you remember how we used to...you know...here, what's the matter.
He: I think I am going to throw up.

22nd June, 2005 AD

"I don't find most of the people in my workplace are very evolved. I suspect that if you mention Pink Floyd to them, they would think it is a brand of nail polish."

Who said my workplace only has the sort of people who would think Pink Floyd is a brand of nail polish? My workplace is full of eccentric characters too. One of my colleagues, for instance, believes her boss is a monkey.

I thought she was referring to him "symbolically" - I've heard people referring to their bosses as vampires, crocodiles, donkeys, reptiles, and so on - but my colleague seems earnest about this monkey thing, because that's what she called him all the time. I am sure it is due to temporary trauma brought about by overwork because she also dreamt of the Big Boss sitting on a dining table asking her about source content for an online training she is developing. I didn't realize people had such interesting dreams. We decided that this dream must have some "interpretation" - dining table, content and all. And if you brought Dr. Freud into the business, the "interpretation" can only be too interesting. Perhaps my colleague should tell the Big Boss about her dream.

Big Boss: Good morning
She: Good morning...Um - I had an interesting dream about you last night.
Big Boss: Eh? You did?
She: Yes. I dreamt that you were sitting on a dining table, and asking me if I had received the source content.
Big Boss: Hey, that's interesting! I have a book on interpretation of dreams; I will look it up and see if your dream has any subconscious interpretations.

(Big Boss looks up the book and comes back to the colleague.)
Big Boss: Er - we need to talk.

On second thoughts, it would be safer for my colleague to refer to her boss as a monkey, that confessing her dreams.

June 13th, 2005 AD

"Awards are in, serious work is out, for the summer collection" out here. The latest fad in my workplace is getting awards for courses. I suspect that if a client calls up late in the evening saying his Web application is crashing and his life is falling apart, most people won't be around. They will be too busy discussing which courses to send for various awards.

The following is the general procedure for Awards:

1. Dig up all the old and forgotten courses
2. Fight like a bunch of schoolchildren over which courses to send. ("If you don't send my course, I won't share my white-board marker with you. I also won’t have lunch with you.")
3. Apply for the awards with as much fanfare as possible
4. If a course should win a prize, no matter how obscure ("The Kentucky Hicksville Daily has given us the Best Cartoon of the Year award!!!"), never let 'em forget it! Put up posters and banners, have public celebrations, send across a hundred emails, and have a marching band. Never let 'em forget it!

I seriously think they should consider the Oscars next year.

6th May, 2005 AD

Inspired by Menaka and her outburst...

Who has not read Walter de la Mare's famous poem, The Solitary Reaper?

Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary highland lass
Reaping and singing to herself
Stop here or gently pass


I have changed it to The Project Leader

Behold her, working on the machine,
Yon solitary Indian lass
Typing and growling to herself
That SME - I'm gonna take his a**

26th April, 2005 AD

Given the number of people who quit this place each day, I think it would be great idea if they install drop boxes - you know, just like the ones they have for collecting monthly Citibank payment cheques. The drop box should be installed in a prominent area and have the sign, "Please deposit your resignation letters here." Someone could open these boxes twice a week – or thrice a week if business gets really good - and process them so that all settlements can be made on time. I think far too much time is spent by managers in the elaborate ritual of taking the letter from the employee, listening to the employee as he or she makes up a fancy story, and then saying, "Sweetheart, are you sure you want to do this?", and so on.

Come on fellas, no matter how fancy the reason for quitting ("I want to take up transcendental meditation, and raise kangaroos."), people usually quit because they want a better job that pays more gold. Period. Don't kid yourself. In the meanwhile, install those drop boxes.

I think I will "post" this idea, I might even win a trip to Laddakh – a one-way trip.

23nd April, 2005 AD

9:00 AM: We’ve finally reached here after 10 hours of discomfort, hooliganism, and drunkenness - a ragged, shabby, and motley collection of city slickers with ambitions of making a difference in this world by painting the mountains red. The hotel reservation seemed to take forever. The only reason the desk clerks didn’t get murdered today was that the mob was too tired and listless to realize that kitchen knives can come in quite handy…

11:30 AM: The geyser in our bathroom is not working. It took us 30 minutes to discover this and the plumbers 45 minutes to set the darn thing right. Consequently, I am the only one to miss the bus going to a place called Kempty Falls. (Kempty Falls has become Empty Falls for me, haha…sorry bad joke.) Kempty Falls, as I understood it later, is a once-pristine place where people often suddenly start acting like juveniles. Left all alone, I take a lovely, magical walk through the woods. I didn’t miss the Falls after all.

5:30 PM: Mussouri Town reminds me of Karol Bagh. Once, it must have been a pleasant town with broad walks, elegant houses, thickly forested hills, and the smell of pines. Then, thirty years ago, the city father got together and said, “Let’s earn some quick money - and make the town dirty. A few landslides wouldn’t hurt either.” Since British names like Henley-on-Thames and Newcastle-upon-Tyne interest me, I have decided to rename Mussouri as Karol Bagh-on-a-Hillside.

10:00 PM: Now here’s something about which I have to write an account. It’s a Yuppie tribal ritual called Dance Party. Since I have anthropological pretensions, I decided to take down a few notes of observation. The Dance Party is much like the ritualistic dances of the ancient/primitive tribes with two notable exceptions:

1.The Yuppies don’t dance a fire or idol or anything.
2.Instead of tom-toms, they have a wild thing that screams out music at incredible levels

Most men wear plenty of clothes and go easy on the deodorant. The women wear plenty of war paint and go easy on the clothes. When the music strikes up, all the yuppies start flailing their arms and legs, gyrating like patients of St. Vitus dance, while the Yuppie tribal leads look upon them with admiration and pride. It is a most remarkable sight. I saw a middle-aged woman trying to dance to the music with - shall I say - comical results. In normal society there would have been nudges and winks, but out here nobody noticed - they were all too happy and drunk as fiddlers.

It’s remarkable how we carry many of our genetic predispositions. I mean, dress these people up in goat-skins and give them clubs, and they were doing exactly what our ancestors would have done thousands of years ago.

I would have stuck around to take down some more anthropological notes, had I not been afraid that the decibels levels of that Wild Thing Playing Music would puncture my eardrums.

As I left, it also occurred to me that Charles Darwin might have been right about our ancestry…

22nd April, 2005 AD

I am going to a place in the hills called Mussouri this weekend. I was all in a sweat wondering how they would get my visa ready on time till it was impressed upon me that the place I was going to was not Missouri in the US, but Mussouri, which was apparently a lovely place till the tourists discovered it.

April 20th, 2005 AD

Dear Lord! Is there no mercy in this world?! How can people be so utterly cruel and mindless? I am in shock. As I sit here, looking upon the bare and bloodied expanse of professional life, I fear the empty hours now stretch before me....

The have asked us to remove all mp3 song files from our machines, fearing severe reprisals!

I do not know how I will go on from here. I will probably have to spend more money on Horlicks to keep myself awake now.